when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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