community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
