My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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