Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
What a dumb baby whore.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
