so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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