theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
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