hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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