Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
