Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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