I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
