and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
