It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Just pee around me
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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