So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
