Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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