she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
