Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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