I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
