I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Randomize