I'm so fucking centered right now
false alarm. still invincible.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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