I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize