You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
