Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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