I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
