sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
