i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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