Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
