just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
