I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
