you have to choose: penises or morals?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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