I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
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