I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
