i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Randomize
