Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize