if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize