Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Randomize