I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
