Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
if only i could text you this smell
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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