The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
