Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
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