I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
