I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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