I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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