Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
