she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
