Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
