GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
