My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I think a kid would responsible me up
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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