So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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