You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
