My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I just want to make out with him forever
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize