I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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