I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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