My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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