Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
