Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Randomize
