This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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