I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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