I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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