you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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