Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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