True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
